What in the world is wrong with me? Have I gone totally mad?
Over one hundred thousand different thoughts constantly babbling away, like the hum of a radio continually buzzing in the background, signposting the same negative emotions; anger, sadness, guilt and fear, backed up and stored in my memory file folder that had built up for more than 20 years. Wasn’t this normal?
Although, I didn’t have a question or an answer.
Until the day came to finally losing my mind, before eventually lovingly re-building it again, only in a much healthier and tender manner. Albeit, losing dear friends and much loved family along the way. Moreover, the only way forward was to commit to listening to and feeling into the innate intelligence of my heart and gut brain, so as to properly integrate these formerly redundant intelligences with the proper attention and focus I/they deserved, in order for me to positively move forward in my life.
My accumulated pressure of feelings had built up over far too much time, years and years of thoughts, fear, guilt etc., etc.…POP…I found myself detailing and documenting my inner struggles as I travelled the globe in search of how to reclaim my body mind and spirit in my first book ‘Coming Home with Gratitude,’ a Northern birds account on life, marriage, child rearing and empty nest syndrome, education, sex, God, adventure, relating in mid-life, work, death, grief, mental health such as, feeling electric energy shooting up my spine, and seeing vivid colours all around me, just who the heck was I? What exactly is this meaning of life? It has been suggested that my story is akin to a humourous eclectic mash up of ‘Eat Love Pray,’ ‘The Butterfly Effect’ and ‘On the Road,’ but far juicer versions.
During my travels, I discovered that the nature of monkey mind is to relieve pain and suffering, I had so many negative thoughts filed away in my memory folder, that I so wanted to be free of my inner conflict, emotional inner turmoil and limiting beliefs. These had been firmly suppressed in me, yet I did not know how to express them properly with my peers or family. Let alone with my G.P!
Before I embarked on my journey, I remember having terrible mood swings, tight and stiff shoulders and neck problems, emotional drinking and eating problems, weight problems, apathy, irritability, teeth grinding, and projecting my anger onto every one else, ‘she is this, she is that, he said this and that.’ You can imagine the rest. Oh I loved pointing the finger at everyone else but was I aware of the fingers pointing back at me? Had I ever taken full responsibility for my actions or owned them before? Did i know how?
Like me, you might have tried and found useful:
Tapping yourself out of it
Hanging upside down
Organic vegan/vegetarian foods/Smoothies/Juicing
Running away to India to find a guru
Shaving half your hair off
Getting your nose pierced
Reading lots of self help books
Health and wellbeing retreats
10 day Silent retreats
Salt water cleansing-Kriya
5 Rhythms dancing
Plant medicines such as the great Mother Ayahuasca
Divine feminine workshops
An endless variety of psychotherapy or self helping techniques, whichever term you prefer?
Everything comes with a story and I have since learnt not to focus on the drama. I have also learnt deep appreciation, and to remember and include all the lovely people in my life. My dear Mum for bringing me up and feeding me and looking after me, sending me treasured birthday cards and Christmas cards, showing her unconditional love, even when we fell out. My birth Mother for giving me the gift of life. Instead of feeling entitled, I discovered appreciation. Even now, when I go to the Supermarket and they don’t have what I want in, I think WOW! Look at what they have got, there is so much kindness in the world. Westerners have so much, yet are so conditioned to focus on the negatives. So often appreciation goes un noticed unless it has a big, fat bow on it. Every single day we are sustained by others. Everywhere we look we are inter connected in this web of kindness, supported and sustained by others while receiving the most benefit from our most challenging situations. Let that sink in for a moment.
People are tricky. Yet to find an appreciation and something meaningful reverts the sense of meaningless. I had received so much benefit from others that I had simply forgotten, I have been touched by so many lovely people on my journey that I have now be-friended those self sabotaging parts of me, the one who enjoyed playing out the victim or rebel, or the attention seeking little girl who liked to throw her toys out of the pram if she didn’t get her own way.
It does take great courage to become a kindness seeker, or an agent of happiness.